Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate knowing how many of us are in the same boat. I really felt like I was the only one. I don't know if it is encouraging or depressing to know how many of us don't have anyone to talk to.... It has encouraged me to try to be a better listener. I know that I have one friend who (whom?) I don't speak to frequently, and when we do talk, I listen to everything that is going on with her, and by the time it gets to me, we have to go, or I am tired, or I just say, "oh, nothing".... and I am so closed. I think it is hard for me to trust people.... that is all a part of sharing. You have to be willing to trust. But so many people have left me in my life. Some on purpose...like my Father and some close friends who have moved away.... and some through death...which I can't do anything about...that it is just hard for me to open up. I am never going to be one of those people with a hundred really close friends who know everything about me. I may have one or two. That is the problem...the one or two that I have opened up to have moved away or have gotten really sick, or something bad has happened... So now I have to find another...which is hard for me. It seems like every time I get close they leave...
We watched a movie last night called "Into the Wild", which is a true story about this 23 year old guy named Christopher McCandless, who, after he graduates with honors from Emory University, gives his grad school savings (24K) to charity (please use this to feed people), burns all of his ID and cash, and hitch hikes his way to Alaska after giving away all of his possessions, to live in the wilderness. It shows how different people that he met along the way shaped him, and how he shaped them. But what got to me the most, I think, were his reasons for running.... escaping, really, from his life... He lived in a house where his parents were always angry and arguing with each other. His Dad beat his Mom. He found out that he and his sister were both born before his parents were married and actually while his Dad was married to another woman. He wasn't as mad about that fact, he was mad about the fact that his parents had lied about it his whole life. They didn't know that he knew the truth. For his graduation from college, they wanted to give him a new car...he asked what was wrong with his old car.... it was kind of a "beater" car...that he had bought on his own. Their way of making up for the anger in the house and assuaging their guilt was to buy the kids things. He didn't want a new car...his worked perfectly well. He wanted peace in his household...and truth. The one thing they couldnt give him. So he left on this trip. And didn't tell them what he was doing or where he was going. I won't tell you the rest.
I will just say that there were parts of this that hit home for me. No anger...my dad left when I was very young--3 as a matter of fact and I don't remember any anger. But I did not find out until a few years ago that my father had a baby boy with another woman (who I knew about) 4 months after my brother was born. This, I feel that I should have known. This is another brother of mine, who now is unknown to us. My father says he never knew him and doesnt even know his name. Had I known years ago, maybe we could have tracked him down. Everyone acts like it is no big deal....like that is just another little sentence in a paragraph. That we should just receive this information and move on. And yet, from the day that I heard that, my life has felt different, and I can't explain it. And I am kind of...no....I am really angry that nobody ever thought it was important for me to know. There...I said it. And I said it on the internet. Wow. I actually feel a little better....just a little....
Second thing that kind of got me in the movie....The kid ran into an old man.....and stayed with him for a few days. The man looked nothing like my grandfather...not at all. Nor did he talk like him, or even do the same activities. But there was a single hand gesture...not a dirty one....just a gesture.... it brought him back so vividly... wow.
Anyway...it was a weird movie, but it was good. Ron and I both enjoyed it. It does not have a happy ending, I will just warn you. But it is interesting. It makes you think. And it made both of us cry....for different reasons...you should rent it. We are going to buy it. We liked it and will watch it again.
peace...
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